Tarynn Paschall

I’ve really been looking forward to the holidays this year. It is going to be Kaelyn’s first Thanksgiving and Christmas outside of my belly, and I’m so excited to share them with her. But at the same time I’m dreading it. The holidays are such a rough time of year for me. Last year wasn’t terrible, because I was looking forward to having Kaelyn, and I suppose this year won’t be terrible either because I have Kaelyn now. But even still, it just doesn’t feel right to me.

My mom should be here. She should be enjoying Thanksgiving and Christmas with us. She should be letting someone else make the turkey because she’s afraid of ruining it. We should be going over to her house and getting a phone call on the way asking us to stop at Chevron to pick up a fresh diet coke for her because hers is almost empty. We should walk in the door and she should tell me how cute Kaelyn looks in her Thanksgiving outfit while she scoops her out of my arms to show her all the food she has set out. She should give me a huge hug and tell me “Happy Thanksgiving, hoo hoo!!” Then we should sit down at the table and dig in while we all share stories about our lives, even though I already know the story she’s telling because she called me and told me the day it happened. She should ask Josh how his week was, and laugh and say “Are you ever going to start talking more? It’s been 3 years now! We thought you would have opened up by now” as she jokingly laughs. And then some song will come on in the background, probably Pink Floyd or Santana, or some other classic rock, and she’ll say, “Oooh! Good song!!” right before she starts mouthing along. We should eat and hang out for a good few hours before we decide to take Kaelyn home for bed, and she’ll tell us to stay a little longer so she can play with Kaelyn some more. We shouldn’t get home until 11 or so, and even then it’ll been difficult to get her to let us leave.

A month later I should be calling her to see what she’s up to, and she should be buying chips and making dip (since nobody trusts her to actually cook something) for Christmas Eve at my Grandma’s house. I’ll laugh and point out that the party starts in 2 hours and she should be getting ready to leave, and she’ll say “I know, I know, but at least everyone expects us to be late after all these years!” before she laughs and asks me “What’s up?” I’ll tell her I was just checking in, and she’ll ask me if I think she should wear her red sweater or the red long sleeve top from papaya, and should she wear her black heels or her black boots? Then she’ll ask what Kaelyn’s wearing and she’ll “awwww” as I tell her about her red sweater dress from Janie and Jack. We’ll hang up so she can finish shopping, and three and a half hours later I’ll see her at my Grandma’s. She’ll walk in, with Sarah, Bekah, and Rick in tow, and everyone will say “Well look who decided to show up! We’ve been waiting for the chips for an hour and a half!” And she’ll say “Yea, yea, yea! Maybe you should stop making me bring the chips!” Everyone will laugh, and she’ll walk around giving everyone hugs. She’ll come to us last, and once again she’ll scoop Kaelyn out of my arms telling her how cute she looks. She’ll feed her dinner on her lap and say “Still no teeth, huh? I bet you’ll get some soon!” Then we’ll all stay until close to midnight, and just before we hop in our cars she’ll give me a big hug, and say “Merry Christmas! See you in the morning!”

The next day we’ll wake up and head over. She’ll be ecstatic when we arrive. My stocking will be hung on the fireplace, even though I haven’t lived there for a couple years, and you bet it will be filled with a bunch of stuff from “Santa.” If we’re lucky she’ll have melting moments, and between all of us they’ll be gone in just a few minutes. We’ll open presents, and she’ll sit on the couch with her legs tucked up under her, in her sweat pants and uggs, with a cup of coffee in her hand. No doubt, she’ll have Kaelyn on her lap. At least until it’s her turn to open presents, then I’ll steal her away to have my time with my baby. With each present we open, she’ll smile and say “you’re welcome” with a HUGE smile on her face. She loves giving Christmas presents. And then after they’re all gone she’ll disappear for a few minutes and pull some huge box out of her closet and bring it down with a sheet wrapped over it. The big family present for Sarah and Bekah. It will be exactly what they wanted, it always is. She’ll open her presents last, after we have assured her we’ve finished opening all of ours. She always wants to wait until we’ve finished. Then she’ll be overjoyed at whatever is in the box, even if it’s a blank piece of paper. She loves anything from one of us kids. We’ll hang out. Bekah and Kaelyn will play with their new toys, Sarah will sit on the couch next to my mom, with her legs dangling over her lap, and eventually one of them will end up tickling the other. Then Tyler, Bekah and I will jump in and help whoever is doing the tickling. Kaelyn will get to play this year, too, and she’ll absolutely love it. After everyone is exhausted the tickling will stop, and we’ll all just sit around talking about random things. Eventually Josh, Kaelyn, and I will leave to go see his family, and her, Rick, and the girls will leave to go to Bonnie’s. Once again, she’ll give me a big hug and say “Merry Christmas, hoo hoo!” before we leave.

That’s what’s should happen. That’s how Thanksgiving and Christmas are meant to be. Instead, she won’t be here. I won’t get to talk to her, spend time with her, hug her, and most importantly, neither will Kaelyn. If by some act of God she did show up for Christmas, Kaelyn wouldn’t have the slightest clue who she is. It’s not like she’s ever seen her before. And that…. that KILLS me. That is why the holidays suck for me. That is why I’m excited to spend them with Kaelyn, and yet I can’t help but dread them.

“…And you asked me what I want this year, and I try to make this kind and clear…
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days.
’cause I don’t need boxes wrapped in strings, and designer love and empty things…
just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days…”

3 Responses to “The Holidays”