We had an ultrasound yesterday specifically for a nuchal translucency scan. If you’d like to know more about what exactly that is, you can read all about it here. Basically, the ultrasound tech measures a clear space in the back of the baby’s neck, and these measurements combined with my age and some results from my blood work will give me a personalized risk factor number. This risk factor can be anywhere from 1 in 10 to 1 in 10,000. The risk factor is for having a baby with Down Syndrome or some other type of genetic disorder. Seeing as I’m young and healthy, our risk level is really low. Nonetheless, insurance covers the scan and it’s another opportunity to take a look at our little bean, so we had it done.

We got some pretty cute pictures, too! She was sucking her thumb almost the whole time, which was super cute! And she even stuck her tongue out at us a couple times. She was pretty sleepy, so the tech nudged my belly quite a bit in an attempt to wake her up, and when she got jostled around she crossed her little arms and turned her back to us. Soooo, precious! :) Here are a couple pictures from the ultrasound. The first one shows her sticking her tongue out, the second one shows a close up of her face with her sucking her thumb, and the third one shows her little leg sticking up.

By the way- we still don’t know the gender. Referring to her as “she” is just wishful thinking :) Okay, so on to the major developments this week… All of the baby’s reflexes are developing. She’s curling her toes and fingers and sucking with her mouth (as is evidenced by the cute shot we got of her sucking her thumb!). Also, her nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in her  brain synapses are forming furiously. This week she is the size of a plum.

Other exciting news is that I have felt her squirming around a couple times this past week. It’s very infrequent, just every couple of days, and it usually only lasts for a couple of seconds, but if I lie down on my back and try to pay close attention I can feel very light tapping. I’m sure it’ll get harder and more frequent in the coming weeks. :)

Yesterday I hit the 11 week mark. Depending on which book you read, or the obstetrician you talk to, this is either the last or second to last week of my first trimester. That means that nearly all of the major developmental milestones have been met, and the baby has all of his/her major organs and body parts. He/she is just a teeny tiny little human.

Big events this week: Baby will learn how to open and close his or her hands to form fists. Tiny tooth buds are appearing under his/her gums, and some of his/her bones are beginning to harden. He/she is kicking and stretching like crazy, although I won’t consistently feel it for a few more weeks.

Oh, and all of this is happening in our teeny tiny baby that is only the size of a lime. (I promise he or she is much cuter than a lime).

Anyways, the Bio class is pretty freakin’ intense! It’s 4 units, and it’s a condensed course so it only lasts for 8 weeks instead of the full semester. That seems exciting when registering because hey! I’ll have one less class in the middle of October. Not so exciting during the first 8 weeks, though. My professor is pretty cool. The class is really straight forward, but I don’t like how he organizes things. With all of my other online classes all of the week’s work is posted on Monday morning and then it’s due before midnight on Sunday night. So I can do it whenever I have free time during the week and don’t have to worry about deadlines until Sunday. My Bio class is totally different and it’s throwing me for a loop. There is something due everyday. It’s really annoying, because I’d rather just have a laundry list of things to do before Sunday. Not one thing I have to do my Monday, and another by Tuesday, and another by Wednesday, and… you get the idea. In my opinion it kind of defeats the purpose of it being an online class. The whole point is for you to be able to work when it’s convenient. But whatever, only 7 more weeks. Each week in Bio I have 2-3 labs due, 2 exams, an original discussion post and peer responses (which is essentially a question that I have to answer in a paragraph or two and then a paragraph response to three other students’ answers), and an essay. So pretty much, I can’t wait for the next 7 weeks to go by!

Paschall baby #2 is due to make his/her grand appearance on St. Patrick’s Day 2011! Josh and I are absolutely thrilled and Kaelyn can’t stop shouting “Big sissssser!” Nor can she keep her hands of my belly now that she knows there’s a “Baby! Awwww!!!” in there :)

Fortunately, three of my classes are online and I only have to go on campus for English Lit and Math. Math is from 8-10pm on Tuesday and Thursday nights, so Josh is home with Kaelyn. But, English Lit was Tuesday and Thursday mornings from 9:30-11am. I found a babysitter for Kaelyn, but it ended up not working out and she canceled, so I really had no option other than dropping the class. *Sigh*

Originally I was really upset about it, because this class is required for transfer into the English program at UCR, and it is only offered in the Fall. So not taking it this semester means dragging out my college career by another six months. All because I can’t take it until the fall of 2011, which is when I should be transferring to the university. Seems really silly for one class to mess things up so badly. But, I talked to Josh about it and got some advice from friends and ended up deciding that it wasn’t that big of a deal. So, I dropped the class this morning. Because I have to return in the fall of 2011 to complete this class, I am going to take next semester off entirely and return next fall to take the final three courses that I need. Then I will transfer into UCR in the Spring of 2012.

If all goes as planned from that point forward, I will have earned my degree by the end of 2013. Then I will l become credentialed over the course of the following year, and be ready to teach in 2015. Kaelyn will be 6 by then and in first grade, which will be perfect timing because I don’t want to work full-time until she is in school full-time. So, I’m happy with how things panned out. It’s going to take me 6 months longer to finish everything, but I’ll get some time off with my little girl in between :)

Oh, and there are even more significant changes, but this post is getting lengthy enough. I guess I’m going to keep you waiting for just a little bit longer before I explain ;)

It was a part-time job, but I was working 5-6 days a week (short 4-6 hour shifts) so it felt like it was a lot more than part-time since I only had one or two days off each week. It was causing me to be away from Kaelyn for a lot longer than I’m used to or comfortable with, and it was just making things more difficult. Plus, school is starting back up and that is my real priority. I’m taking 6 classes this semester, and I don’t want to jeopardize my performance in school for the sake of a part-time job that I don’t even really enjoy.

So, I called today and told them I was super sorry, but I was resigning effective immediately. I’m back to being a stay-at-home mom and I couldn’t be happier about it :)

I remember the day my mom died like it was yesterday.  She was admitted to the hospital for the umpteenth time two nights before she passed away. As her husband was helping her into the car I remember her telling me that she was sorry she wasn’t going to be able to come to my appointment the following day. I had invited her to my 20 week anatomy scan so that she could see the perfect little princess growing inside me. She was supposed to come with us to find out whether Kaelyn was a boy or girl. Instead she was heading to the hospital. Another complication with the cancer. She couldn’t walk to the car by herself, nor could she get in the car on her own. And yet, she was apologizing to me, for having to go to the hospital of all things.

I wasn’t expecting this time to be any different than her previous trips to the hospital. They would stabilize her, pump her full of liquid nutrition, and send her home for another couple of days before something else would go wrong and she’d have to return. But I was hoping, that just maybe, this time would be different. I was hoping she’d come home for good. And the medication would finally start to fix her.

I went to sleep that night, knowing she was fine. Being well cared for. And I woke up in the morning, completely and totally ecstatic to find out the gender of my little bean. After we found out we were having a girl, I made my way to the hospital with all of the fun little snapshots of my princess. I walked in and said hello. I gave her hug. She shrugged and just stared at me. Confused, I asked her husband what was going on. She was unresponsive. Another complication from the cancer. Supposedly she could hear us, but whether or not she knew what we were saying, we were unsure. She didn’t respond to us at all. She just sat there looking around the room.I was so excited to share my news. And I just KNEW that she would respond when I told her that her first grandchild was going to be a girl. So I pulled out the pictures and said, “Mom, it’s a girl!!” She took the pictures from my hand and looked at them. But she didn’t smile. And she didn’t respond. She just looked at them. For a good couple of minutes. I knew that it was because of the cancer. This wasn’t her normal response. But it still hurt. It REALLY hurt. And I couldn’t help but cry. How could she just sit there and say nothing? After another minute she handed them back to me, and went back to looking around the room.

I’ll never know if she really understood what I was telling her. If she was “there” enough to understand what the pictures meant. Or if the damage was too great at that point. But I wasn’t too concerned with it because 1. I wasn’t supposed to cry in front of her. We didn’t know how much she was able to understand/see and there was no point in upsetting her when she was in the state she was in. and 2. She was supposed to be fine. The fact that she was unable to carry a conversation with us, or to even seem like she realized we were present was supposed to be temporary. The medicine they were giving her was supposed to fix it. So, I hung out for a little while longer, fed her a bowl of cottage cheese, and left to get some KFC for her husband. I came back, gave him dinner, and told him I was going to head home for the night, but I’d be back in the morning, when she was back to normal. He was supposed to call me if anything changed.

Unfortunately, he called. And the way his voice was cracking gave him away. She wasn’t going to be fine. The medicine wasn’t going to fix it. The doctor’s had done another test and realized that nothing was getting better. Everything was getting worse. It was only a matter of time, and I should come back to the hospital. So I did. And she was worse than she was before. Still unresponsive, but now she just wanted to sleep. The only thing she would say was, “NO” if someone tried to move her. Especially when the nurses took her vitals. The rest of the time she was silent. Either sleeping or just looking around. Everyone was there, everyone was crying. It was just a waiting game.

But it still hadn’t sunk in. This was my mom, and if anything she was a fighter. I knew she wasn’t going to give up. How could she? She had so much to live for. But she was suffering, and there was nothing to be done. So the doctor’s upped her morphine. Let her sleep. And as she showed signs of distress through the night they upped it again. And again. And again. And they told us that eventually her heart was going to stop. She had long passed the amount of morphine she was supposed to have, but they weren’t worried about that since she wasn’t going to make it anyways. They were just trying to keep her comfortable until it was over.

And before any of us really realized that this was it, it was over. Her heart stopped beating, and they turned off the machines, and everyone walked out of the room so that her husband, my brother, my sisters, and I could be alone with her one last time. And we all sat on her bed, touching her arms… holding her hands. And I bawled. And bawled. And bawled. And bawled. And it sucked. It sucked so bad.

The next few weeks were a blur as we all went through the motions. Funeral, reception, endless visits from family. Meals from worried friends, lots of flowers. And lots of people telling us that they were so, so sorry. And sometimes it was happy. As we talked about the past and remembered the way she was before. But most of it was sad. And surreal. The thing that shocks me most as I sit here writing this is that it has already been two years. It hasn’t gotten easier with time. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I still pull out my phone to call her, and then realize that I can’t. I still wonder why it had to happen. I still wish she could have met Kaelyn. I still wish I could ask her for advice. I still think about her every single day.

I miss her so much. And some days it still doesn’t seem like she’s gone. Yet, other days all I can think about is the fact that she is no longer here. It’s been two years, and there is one thing that I am sure of: it doesn’t hurt any less.

Let’s see. Reader’s Digest version: I got a part time job at a pizza place. We moved out of my in-laws. We moved back into an apartment. School starts up in a little over a week. My major is still English. Kaelyn’s growing like a weed and talking up a storm. Josh is great. I am great. We are very happy with where we are in life right now.

Some details: I didn’t even know that I was really ready to be working again, but my friend Lexie suggested that I apply to work with her at Shakey’s Pizza Parlor and I obliged. A couple days later I got a call for an interview. I went, and was asked no questions. Just told “I’m going to keep this short. I want to give you a job. You can start Friday.” That was fun. I’m now a working mama, and although it’s only part-time it feels like a lot more because I work 5-6 days a week. They are only 4-6 hour shifts (and every now and then I will get a random 8 hour one, but for the most part they are short) so it really is only part-time, but 5-6 days a week just wipes me out. Hence my extended absence. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll keep working there. It’s nice to have a little extra money but we don’t really *need* it, and I miss being home with K all the time. Plus school starts back up in a little over a week and I don’t know that I’ll be able to do school full-time, take care of K, and have a part-time job. We’ll just have to see how it goes.

We moved out of my in-laws. They were kind enough to allow us to stay with them rent free in order to save up some money to pay off my car/Josh’s student loans and buy a house. Three months into living with them we realized we’d rather take the less trying route and save up slowly while still living comfortably in an apartment of our own. Plus, there was a lot of tension and a big dramatic episode when Josh’s grandma came down to visit for a week. If you don’t remember tension with her from the past, feel free to read all about the Christmas escapade here.

What is all boils down to is that Josh’s family is very different than I am. They aren’t these terrible crazy people, they are just very different. And it makes for a lot of tension. For example, they think unexpected visits are fun surprises. I think coming over without calling first is rude. They think Grandmas get to spoil kids and give them everything their moms don’t want them to have. I think Grandmas need to respect the boundaries and rules set forth by moms. If they can’t do so, they don’t get to see their granddaughters unless mom is present. They think consistency is not necessary for effective parenting. I think consistency is one of, if not the most, important aspects of parenting. They think there are many exceptions for breaking rules. I think that rules are meant to be followed, and if they are not consequences should be severe.

The point of this isn’t to bash them or make them seem like total pain-in-the-asses, it’s just to help you understand some of our differences. They really are nice people, and obviously some of their parenting strategies are productive seeing as they raised the man who I am completely and totally in love with. Nonetheless, we’re very different. I like structure and organization and routines and consistency. I NEED structure and organization and routines and consistency. It is an integral part of my life, and I have made it an integral part of my daughter’s life. When someone does something to change that, it upsets me. And I’m very, very slow to give second chances. Over the course of my lifetime I’ve found that people don’t change. They are set in their ways and as much as you’d love for them to be your idea of perfection, it just isn’t going to happen. So you have to compensate for that by making changes to your life. You have to make rules, boundaries, and guidelines. And they have to be enforced. Especially when you have a child. Because regardless of the fact that most people won’t agree with your decisions, they are still your decisions to make. And EVERYONE needs to respect them. As a parent, you call the shots. And if you screw it all up in the end, it’s on you. But that’s ok, because that’s just how it should be.

So, without going into details on the whole situation, I’ll just leave it at that. We are different, and our differences caused Josh and I to seek different living arrangements. We’re very happy at our new place and wish we never would have moved out of our own place to begin with.  But hey, lesson learned! We’re also very appreciative that they let us stay there for as long as they did. Our little dispute definitely didn’t change the fact that we are very thankful for all their help.

School starts on August 16th and I am totally and completely dreading it. Most of my classes are online now that my major is back to English, but I’ll be taking on-campus classes every Tuesday and Thursday from 9:30-10:50am and 8-10pm. Kaelyn and I are also going to be starting mommy and me gymnastics classes the same week school starts. They will be on Tuesdays and Thursdays as well, so those will be busy days for us! I’m really looking forward to the classes with Kaelyn. She’s going to have a blast! :)

That’s my life in a nutshell. Hopefully next time I won’t have as much to catch you up on ;)

It was 3-4 feet down because she was on the top step of the slide, and she landed with a thud. I freaked out and ran and picked her up, and she wasn’t crying at all, which was my first sign that something was wrong. She should have been SCREAMING. She had tears in her eyes but she just kept whimpering and wasn’t crying. I tried talking to her and she didn’t respond at all. Her eyes kept shutting and I kept shaking her and saying, “Kaelyn, you can’t go to sleep! Stay awake please!” And I was balling. Then I tried to see if she would talk so I asked her if she wanted a ball, or a banana, or daddy, or the puppy. She just kept whimpering and acted like she couldn’t hear me at all. Those are her favorite things in the world right now and she normally would have been ecstatic and begged me for one of them, but she didn’t respond at all.

Then I tried to put her down to see if she could walk (this was like 2 minutes after she fell and although she still wasn’t talking she had sort of stopped whimpering) and she just slumped right over into my arms. She wouldn’t walk at all. I was a complete mess at this point, not knowing what to do. Realizing that all the things they tell you to look out for with a head injury were what I was seeing, and my mind started wandering to all of the terrible possibilities: she’s brain dead. She was a perfectly normal, happy little girl and now she is going to be disabled for the rest of her life and it’s all my fault. She’s going to die; her brain is bleeding and her skull needs to be drilled to relieve pressure and I don’t have enough time to get her to the hospital before she dies. Every single terrible thought you could possibly imagine went through my head and I started freaking out.

Thank God Josh was on his way home for lunch and got here a couple minutes after it happened so we jumped in my car and booked it to the ER. He rode in the back with her and had to shake her car seat and yell “KAELYN!!!!!” the whole way there because she kept going in and out of sleep. I went like 85-100 the whole way (it’s surface streets and the speed limit is 40). We got to the ER in like 4 minutes and checked in. They did an exam and said that they wanted to do a CT because from the symptoms we were describing she probably had bruising or a bleed on her brain. I was still bawling at this point, but there was a good sign: she started talking. She screamed “Nooooo, peeeeeeeez (please)” at the doctor who was touching the bump on her head and looking into her eyes and ears with a light. And she kept pushing him away, so she had function of her arms and legs again. Both were good signs, but she was still not acting like herself. So we signed the forms and they put us in a room to wait and they asked us to let her fall asleep because if she wasn’t asleep they would have to sedate her for the scan.

Then as we waited she slowly started to get better. She started talking to Josh and me like her normal self, and she wouldn’t fall asleep at all. We gave her her binky, I nursed her… everything that makes her fall asleep normally and she stayed wide awake. She was so interested in all the nurses and doctors walking around. Then she started to get fussy and wanted to walk around, so I let her for a minute and she could walk again. She wasn’t walking straight and it was very obvious that she was dizzy, but she was walking, so that was good! Then I asked the doc if maybe we should wait (he had mentioned before that b/c she is so little and head injuries often take awhile to present themselves we may do a CT right then and see nothing and think she is perfectly fine, and then if they send us home and 8-10hrs later she starts showing symptoms again and we come back then the CT might show a bleed after all. I guess head injuries are very hard to diagnose in the early stages). So he said that it might be a good to wait and see if she continued to improve, especially because a CT has 170 times the radiation of a normal x-ray and might have long-term effects on her since she is still so little. So we held off and they monitored her for a few hours and then we were released and that night she kept getting better and is back to her normal self. It was seriously the worst day of my life and I am SO, INCREDIBLY grateful that she is ok. I couldn’t live with myself if something bad happened to her and I could have stopped it but was a couple seconds too late. Ugh :(

So it really made me think. About how short life is. My mom was a perfectly happy, healthy, in-shape 38 year-old and then randomly got sick with a form of cancer that only 1 in 8 million people ever get. And within 6 months she was dead. Leaving behind a husband, a 19 year old son, a 17 year old pregnant daughter, a 12 year old daughter and an 11 year old daughter. Before we realized how serious it was, before we had a chance to say goodbye. Six months of “Oh, this chemo should work, oh this surgery should work. She’s so young, so healthy, she has a great chance of beating this…” and then she was gone.

And then Kaelyn. My perfect, incredible little blessing… and all it took was a second for her to slip and fall, which could have changed the rest of her life. Could have killed her. Could have made her brain dead. Could have destroyed the little person that she is.

Life is short. So, incredibly, unbelievably short. And you never know when it’s going to end. And you make plans, and sacrifices, and God laughs. Because he knows what’s really going to happen, and it’s usually something that will destroy every plan you have ever made, and make every sacrifice you have ever made all for nothing.

So I really got to thinking… who knows how long we have? Who knows what might happen tomorrow? I’m not going to sacrifice my happiness and all of my hopes and desires for the distant, far-off plan that could be destroyed in a single second. I’m going to spend every second that I can with my little girl. I’m going to move out of my in-laws house. I’m not going to take the CNA class this summer, instead I’m just going to keep going to school next semester and see where that takes me. Forget trying to get a job to earn more and save up faster. We don’t need for me to work. We need me to take care of Kaelyn. I’m going to move back into my own place with my husband and my daughter, and we’re going to be happy. And if the market turns around and houses become ridiculously expensive again and we missed our chance to buy, then so be it. We can be happy renting. Because we have each other and in the end that’s really all that matters. Not having things paid off, not owning a home. All of those are such trivial pursuits. I’d rather be happy in a rental, with annoying monthly payments than spend a year and a half of my life sharing space with another family.

So, sometime between now and October we will be moving into our own place again. We will be expanding our family, and we will be thoroughly happy. I can’t wait! :)